A piece of a puzzle realized

Crossing that bridge in St. Louis seems like so long ago.  Yeah, I did something that I didn't think that I could ever do.  In Illinois, I decided, as long as I could I was going to continue to drive.  As the numbers on the mile markers got smaller, I knew the mighty Mississippi was getting closer.  The physical symptoms of anxiety and my phobia became ever clearer.  The heart racing, the sweaty palms, chest pains, and tears.  I inhaled and exhaled deeply.  I prayed.  I talked to myself, all the while, my poor family realized that they were at my mercy.  At any time, Daniel would be available to take the wheel so I felt safe.  He's always there for me, not matter what.  I'm not sure about when people in the truck started talking again - but it was well west of the city.

Feeling over confident, when we headed out on Day 2 of our journey, I took the wheel.  Those Ozarks weren't going to get the best of me.  I made it 66 miles on the 2nd day. There were a few times that I felt the nervous, adrenaline rush shooting through my legs, but I was able to take the slow lane, breath and talk my way through it.  And it wasn't that bad - just expansive vistas that freak me out. 

Just after one of those moments, Daniel described what I am seeing when I am driving and the differences in me and him.  Finally, there was verbal reasoning to my phobia, sort of. 

Daniel has been a CDL driver since he was able to first obtain that license.  He hasn't always driven for a living, but he has driven OTR, local, delivery, and the family truck.  When he is behind the wheel, it's flawless.  He checks his gauges, he anticipates the other drivers moves, he uses his mirrors in a textbook like manner.  He says that he "drives" when too many people just "steer"... he has taught me that there is much more to driving than just turning a steering wheel.  Because you "can" drive, doesn't always mean that you should. 

On that peak, just 66 miles from Sullivan, MO - I was just steering and not very well.  He noticed that for several miles, I was becoming more nervous, becoming locked in a lane which was not only endangering us on the interstate - but countless more around us.  I had been so proud the day before for conquering one fear - well.. it's not so much conquering, as just trudging through.  (I'm not ready for the Golden Gate!)  Daniel quietly and calmly said "Lea, I think you should take the next exit."  I lost it.  It was a personal defeat and I completely felt like I had not only let myself down, I realized that I'm stuck here.  If I can't make it through those 150 miles from Ft. Leonard Wood, MO to Berryville, AR - how can I get home if I need to?  Luckily, there was a McDonald's at that exit.  I got an icy cold drink, walked around the truck and gave up the wheel to a "real driver". When I had the opportunity when Maddie was a baby, her dad and I took my grandparents to Virginia to a cousin's funeral.  My grandfather was quite impressed with my ability to navigate trhough Knoxville and he called me a "real driver".  I've always taken some pride in that trip and spending that weekend with them, even though it was for a funeral.  so... yeah, I've let him down too.  And come to think of it... how did I make it through to Abington, VA anyway?

But anyway, Daniel made a very brilliant observation back in Missouri that morning. When he is driving, he remains focused on the road, where the pavement goes, what the signs say and watching for anything out of the ordinary so that he is ready to react.  By nature of my previous jobs for the past 9 years, I have a keen ability to notice every single thing around me.  Not saying I never miss anything, but taking a piece of information, storing it for later use and scanning all around me has become 2nd nature.  I have said things about signs, billboards, buildings along the way and Daniel has no idea what I'm talking about.  I have no ability to shut out the surroundings and just drive.  I will have to rewire my brain in order to ever drive out here. 

So, now we are in our little home away from home away from home in Eureka Springs, AR.  Our house won't be ready until after 2/1 now.  We will have a brand new bathroom actually - not just floors, so it's ok.  This morning was Daniel's first day of work.  There are curves here that motorcyclists would love, I do not.  There are few guardrails and steep inclines with curves, wide open spaces and narrow little curves that are sideways... like a roller coaster.  Some places are flat, straight and then out of the blue - a freak of nature curve that I can't manage.  Today, I went to work with Daniel and stayed in Berryville all day waiting for my chauffer to return me to my little cabin in the woods.  This is just week 1, so progress may come, rewiring will take place and no matter what, my hero is always nearby to pick up my pieces. 

What is your greatest fear?  Interested to know, so please share and tell me how you overcome.  Prayers welcomed!

And because we had stayed in tiny little Berryville all day - they were slightly delirious, but their laughter and spending one more day with them before school starts was priceless!  This was in the Tyson parking lot, after our nap.  Really.  We had hoped to go to the library - but closed for MLK Day (that and the post office were the ONLY things closed here).